I recently received a great dating question from a woman longing for love. When things don’t go right, many of us ask the question, “What’s wrong with me?!” When asked with genuine curiosity rather than shame, it can be useful to explore how you’re contributing to your patterns. Here’s the question and my response:
Dear Lyndra,
I would appreciate some feedback on my recent dating experiences. I’m wondering if it’s them or me?
I met “Paul” at a yoga studio. For our first date, he asked me to meet him at a tavern in his hometown because his car had broken down. He seemed nice but consumed 6 beers in 3 hours. Is that a problem? I come from an alcoholic family and hate the smell of beer. Another thing that put me off was that Paul always communicated by email and never called me.
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I Gave Him Another Chance
I gave him another chance because I thought, well maybe he was nervous and I could casually address this ‘6 beer thing’ with him. His efforts to take me out again were very weak. He’d say he’d like to get together again and wasn’t sure what he was up to. At one point, he suggested he’d like to take me to one of his favorite spots – a bar. I emailed him the middle of the week to ask when we’d be getting together that weekend. He said he had friends coming in from out of town and he’d get back to me. He got back to me late afternoon on Friday and said the weekend was ‘awash’ as his friends would be here all weekend.
Then there was “Doug.” He and I emailed back and forth for a while before I would go out with him. I wasn’t that into him but my therapist suggested that I try to push through my resistance because my “intuition with men” isn’t that reliable. I met Doug and he was okay, but he was another one who preferred to email rather than talk by phone. We settled on a date, place, and time for our second date and agreed we’d talk by phone the day before to confirm. I had a hectic day at work so I never got a chance to call him and he didn’t call me. The next day he emailed me and accused me of being a “space cadet.” So I ended that.
He Said He Was Interested But Never Followed Through
Finally, there was “Curt” who also only emails. He said he wanted to get together but never followed through.
Lyndra, what’s the problem here?
Sincerely,
“Melissa”
Are You Clear About Your Ideal Mate? Is Fear Making You Settle for Less?
Dear Melissa,
You’re wondering if it’s them or you. Well, it’s them and you! It sounds to me like you’re either not clear about your ideal mate. OR you’re clear but willing to settle for less out of fear that you can’t have what you want. When you accept dates with men who are less than what you really want, you’re communicating to the Universe that it’s OK to send you that sort of man.
What kind of man do you truly want as your life partner? Is he a big drinker? (To me, six beers in one sitting is a lot!) Is he someone who doesn’t make plans and leaves you hanging? Does he only communicate by email and not by phone or in person? I don’t think so!
Your True Mate Should Treat You Like a Precious Jewel
Your man is someone who recognizes you for the treasure you are! He’s bound and determined to do whatever is required to prove to you that he’s the best thing that ever happened to you – that he’s worthy of your love. Your man will rent or borrow a car if his needs repair. He’ll make plans with you well in advance because he wants to make sure you have the time saved for him. He either doesn’t drink at all, or very little, depending on your preference. When you tell him you’re not a big fan of emailing, he’ll stick to mostly phone calls or in-person conversations. He’ll choose places for your dates that are of interest to you. He will be intent on wooing you!
Your task is to get clear about your ideal mate and then stick with that vision no matter what. You want to eat, drink, and breathe that vision and live as if you have it now. Even in the absence of dates. And your job is to attend to all of the self-doubt and limiting beliefs that get triggered in the meantime. These are things I can help you with through coaching.
Finally, I’m curious about your therapist saying that your intuition about men isn’t that great. A person’s intuition is always right on. The problem is when you don’t recognize what your intuition is telling you, or you override it with logic or “shoulds.” I suspect that you, like many people, need more practice really hearing your intuition, and then acting on it. This is another area where coaching can be helpful.
